Boundaries and emotional regulation
Image: A mum and son reading a book together.
Boundaries that are kind, clear… and human
When I think back to how I handled boundaries with my eldest (now mid-20s), I wince. I was firm and, honestly, too strict. My expectations were sky high, and he learned to equate ‘getting it right’ with being worthy. Perfect doesn’t exist; it’s an abstract idea that fuels anxiety.
Studying Emotional Literacy in 2014 changed everything. I realised I could use what I’d learned, both at home and in my work with parents, to approach boundaries differently.
Boundaries WITH, not TO
Many of us grew up with boundaries done to us, not with us. I wanted my children to understand why limits exist and how to set them for themselves. I started asking:
Is this boundary for my sanity, their safety or a family value?
If not, it was probably leftover thinking from another era. We cut the ‘dead wood’, kept fewer boundaries and became more consistent with the ones that mattered.
Clarity and communication
Clarity helped too. “Tidy your room,” looks different to a 13-year-old and a 45-year-old. Give detail: “Clothes in the basket, books on the shelf, floor clear enough to walk across.” I stopped sugar-coating, too. Being calm and kind is enough. A tiny language tweak made a big difference, like swapping ‘but’ for ‘and’: “You don’t want to come off the Xbox and it’s time for dinner now.” This validates their feeling and holds the line. Using the boundary as a bargaining chip by saying something like “That’s an overreaction, you’re off for a week!” only made the Xbox the forbidden fruit. Over time, because we were consistent, their responses softened and their bodies learned what to expect.
Emotions aren’t misbehaviour
I stopped punishing the emotion that arrived when I kept a boundary. They were allowed to be upset about stopping a game. My job wasn’t to erase the feeling; it was to stay consistent and present while they experienced it. Predictability teaches safety.
Practical tips
Structure with flexibility
Keep essential boundaries but allow for sensory or emotional needs.
Visuals and processing time
Use ‘first-then’ language, timers or visuals to make expectations concrete.
Transitions
Give warnings like “Five more minutes, then we turn it off.” Sit nearby and help them shift gears.
Screens and gaming
Create a simple family tech plan that explains when, where and what. Join them near the end of playtime, so you transition together instead of pulling them away abruptly.
Testing limits
When negotiation starts, calmly repeat the same line up to three times. For example: “You want to go out to play, and it’s time for bed now.“
After the third time, say: “I’ve said this three times; I can’t say anything different now.” Then stop talking and let them feel how they feel.
Meltdowns or anxiety?
If you are in the midst of an emotional storm, talk less and co-regulate more; teach later.
What about neurodivergent children?
If there’s a secret to setting boundaries with neurodivergent children, it is compassion mixed with clarity. Keep the boundary if it’s developmentally realistic and achievable or adapt the route. Visuals, ‘first-then’ language, sensory options, extra processing time. Every child is different so tweak your approach to give them the highest chance of success.
Remember!
Children thrive when they know what to expect and feel safe being exactly who they are. Boundaries don’t need to be perfect, but do need to be consistent, kind and human. When we hold limits with empathy, we don’t just guide our children; we teach them how to guide themselves.
Trial and error
If there’s a magic wand for boundaries, it’s reflection. Ask yourself, “What’s working?” and “What isn’t?”
If a boundary keeps breaking, is it my delivery, the detail or diligence in keeping the boundary? Or is the boundary no longer (or not yet) developmentally right and ready to shift? Boundaries should grow with children. That way they learn the why, not just the because I said so, and everyone breathes easier.
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